The Sacrifices We Make
by ZombieSpaceKittie
Summary: "I'd do anything for you Clarke, you know that right?" He finally spoke up. Clarke's body shuttered as Bellamy moved closer, his hand still planted gently on her cheek. His lips were just inches from hers now and she couldn't help but steal a glance at them. "But you're asking me to prepare for a life without you in it, and that's just something I'll never be able to do,"
1. Praimfaya

"Clarke." Bellamy said, his voice straining from the knot that had begun to form in his chest.

"No." Clarke shook her head, willing away the tears that had begun to sting her eyes. "Don't do that. Just promise me, okay?"

She managed to finally meet his gaze again, which was a terrible mistake; Bellamy's steely gaze sent shutters throughout her body, she could feel the pain radiating off of him in waves that seemed to stuff out the oxygen all around her. It was only when he reached out his shaking hand to touch her cheek that she was able to gasp for air.

Bellamy seemed to be struggling for air himself as he sucked in a raspy breath.

"I'd do anything for you Clarke, you know that right?" He finally spoke up.

Clarke's body shuttered as Bellamy moved closer, his hand still planted gently on her cheek. His lips were just inches from hers now and she couldn't help but steal a glance at them.

"But you're asking me to prepare for a life without you in it, and that's just something I'll never be able to do," He admitted firmly as he moved his thumb to softly caress her lips.

"Not even for you."

"Bellamy." Clarke protested, but was interrupted by Bellamy's lips crashing into hers with such a fiery determination that Clarke was momentarily knocked off balance until Bellamy's free arm wrapped protectively around her back to balance her.  
It took Clarke a moment to realize what was happening, long enough that Bellamy pulled slightly back in a momentary panic at her lack of reciprocation. Bellamy's dark eyes frantically searched hers.

Did he just make a huge mistake? He thought to himself. A million terrifying thoughts began to swarm in his head as the moment grew longer, but just as they appeared, they quickly dissipated as Clarke touched her soft lips gently to his once again.

There was copious amounts of mixed feelings that Clarke held for Bellamy. She knew she loved him; He had always been by her side through all of the tough decisions that had to be made. He made her stronger, and in turn she did the same for him.

Bellamy was the kind of guy who would do anything for those he cared about, he was fearless and ruthless when he had to be, but he had a wonderful heart, and as the days went on he proved to be one of the only people Clarke could count on, confide in, so she knew WHERE the love for him stemmed from, she just didn't know what KIND of love it was. She had thought she had loved Finn, but Finn had lied to her, betrayed her in a way, and as the hormones cleared and she could think for herself once again, it was evident to her that the feelings that she had felt for him were just that, feelings, lust if you will.

She knew she had loved Lexa. She knew it almost immediately, only because what she felt when she was with her, was so much more than she had ever felt with Finn, and when she lost her she felt her heart shatter into pieces.  
Still, what she felt for Bellamy was different. Even though she knew Lexa loved her, she had to always be guarded with her, never fully trusting, because at the end of the day, Lexa would do anything for her people, she proved that time and again, Clarke, of course couldn't blame her. Yet, Clarke never had to be guarded with Bellamy, there was always honesty between them, sometimes too much. And Clarke never had to worry about Bellamy choosing his people over her, because Clarke was Bellamy's people, and he was hers.

Yet with all of the uncertainty hovering around her regarding her feelings for Bellamy, she kissed him back, not for him, but for her, because whether he couldn't think of a life without her in it, he would have to. The sinking feeling of her impending death haunted her every second of every day since her mother's dream. So even if she couldn't quite map out whether her feelings were just love, or LOVE, she needed every inch of warmth and security that Bellamy could provide, she needed his touch, his piercing gaze to envelope nothing but her in this moment, needed him to know how much he meant to her even if she couldn't quite spell it out yet, she just NEEDED him like she always had, just one last time.

Because even though she would never admit it, she was absolutely terrified to die, and right now, Bellamy was the only one who could take that away.


	2. A Cure for Loneliness

It had been three months since Praimfaya, and Clarke didn't realize how alone one person could ever feel.

Everyday was always such a struggle, surviving was difficult when there was nothing viable left on earth but herself. Sure surviving was always difficult, but she always had the 100 to make things a little easier, she had Bellamy.

Since waking up after Praimfaya and realizing that she wasn't dead, she had eagerly with tear filled eyes, grabbed the radio to let Bellamy know she had survived, that she was still here, on the ground, and would fight every single day until she could seem them all again, something she thought would never happen. But Clarke's excitement soon faded as the only answer she received was radio silence.

Still, a new sense of determination filled her body as she marched through the blistering sand: She would see her friends again one day.

But after three months of suffering, of no success at opening the bunker, moments of pure madness induced by the silence, that determination began to slowly fade. The Clarke she had once knew began to disappear, and the new Clarke was someone she thought she would never be. No, the new Clarke, she was a coward, she was weak. This new her was someone who couldn't survive on her own, someone who couldn't stand the loneliness, the hardship that came with finding her next meal.

She tried talking to Bellamy every day to ease her madness, but every day without an answer back broke her even more. Some days she would listen so closely for just the smallest sound of recognition that all she would hear was the buzzing of the radio ringing in her ears for days.

That's why, as she knelt in the burning sand, the barrel of the gun pushed firmly against her temple, that she felt not one ounce of that determination she had once felt. There was nothing left of the Clarke her friends had once knew, that Bellamy had cared so much for. No, if he could see her now he would truly reconsider his feelings for her, he would look at her like had had the day she had come to Arkadi begging for his help after she had left him, and this Clarke was much worse than she had ever been.

Deep down a part of her knew not a single word of that was true. In fact, it would be quite the opposite, but if she wanted to succeed in what she was doing, then that was what she had to believe, what she would cling too.

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut tight, tears streamed uncontrollably down her face as her finger came to rest shakily on the trigger. But suddenly a pain hit her so viciously in her stomach that it radiated throughout the rest of her body and causing her to release her grip on the gun, as she wrapped her arms around her abdomen.

What irony. She smiled humorlessly to herself as she writhed in pain. Here I am trying to off myself when I'm most likely slowly being eaten alive from the inside out by radiation.

Rolling onto her back to face the sky, Clarke let out a hearty laugh as the pain began to subside. Then, suddenly she saw it; it's sleek ebony form flew right over her and out of sight. She jumped quickly onto her feet, a burst of something resembling hope filled her lungs and thrust her forward, following its gliding silhouette until it landed haphazardly onto a nearby branch.

A nearby branch..

A BRANCH!

Joy filled Clarke's body, it coursed through her veins and filled every inch of her that it possibly could. Clarke ran as fast as she could until she reached the opening of trees and fell face first into the forest floor. Tears of pure happiness streamed down her face as she took in the sight of her surroundings, the feel of the cool grass beneath her palms, the smell of green all around her.

"Thank you." She smiled up at the large crow that still sat on the branch above her, turning its head in curiosity at the sight of her. "You saved my life."

"Six months Bellamy, it's been 183 days since you guys left." Clarke smiled into the radio. "How's Monty's algae? I bet it's absolutely awful." She laughed, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

"I on the other hand have found berries! Can you believe it? Most are pretty bitter but I kind of like it." Clarke leaned nonchalantly back in her chair and popped one of the berries in her mouth. "I actually can't seem to get enough of them." She chuckled.

"I can't wait for you guys to see this place, it's like our own little slice of heaven. Well, I'll talk to you tomorrow then. Until we meet again." Clarke sat the radio carefully down onto the table and massaged her stiff shoulder with a sigh. She had come a long way since that day in the desert, she had grown content in this place, her Eden, she called it, happy even. Of course the loneliness was still there, but she could always take her mind off of it now that she had resources.

Clarke let out a sigh and grabbed her makeshift bow she had carved out. She had to admit she was pretty proud of it, of course if Bellamy was here he'd probably have some smart ass remark to say about its crooked hilt or how the wire was always just a tad bit to flimsy.

Clarke smiled sadly to herself. She missed all of her friends, but she missed Bellamy more than she could ever imagine. The time she had spent alone without him, trying to remember every little detail about him, down to the splash of freckles across his face that she hadn't previously cared to notice, had caused a huge weight of realization to rain down on her: That she was madly and hopelessly in love with Bellamy Blake.

She hadn't realized it right away, in fact, the night they shared before Praimfaya was only a way to forget all of the pain and loss she was feeling. Or so she had thought. Now, it was all she could think about, she played it over in her mind daily, trying to remember the way his rough hands had gently caressed her body, how they made her feel so much more than just comfort. She could only hope that Bellamy still felt for her the same way that he felt for her then in 6 years, he did believe she was dead after all.

The haunting feeling that Bellamy would forget about her coursed through her body and left her heart aching painfully. Clarke shook the thoughts from her head, they had no place here, she had to have faith, had to have some semblance of hope. Bellamy was that hope, and she wouldn't ruin that for herself.

Without a second thought, she threw her bow over her shoulder and headed to the door, but something caught her eye as she passed. Clarke stopped a few paces passed the old rustic mirror that stood propped near the entrance. She turned her head slightly and furrowed her brow as she slowly stepped backwards until her whole body was in view. Clarke's pulse began to speed up as hands drifted slowly down to rest on her swollen stomach.

"No." She gurgled out as her eyes began to sting. As if in retaliation Clarke felt a small bump against her hand, causing her to jump, her bow clamouring loudly to the the ground. "This..This can't be happening. All the fluttering, it it was the berries."

Another bump.

All of the air seemed to be sucked from the room and Clarke fell to her knees on the ground.

"How could I miss this? How could I be so stupid!" She growled. Of course her IUD had probably been fried and then some throughout her time on Earth and safety...Well safety was the last thing on anyone's minds, let alone theirs. Hell a huge wave of radiation was plummeting towards them, what was safe about any of that? And she had it in her head that she was going to die, how was she supposed to know she'd live through all of this?

Another terrifying thought filled her head. What if the baby wasn't a night blood? What if when it was born it died instantly and painfully by the radiation? What if it was being affected right now by it?

A sob escaped Clarke's mouth as she thought of all of the terrible and terrifying possibilities.

What was she going to do?


	3. The Secrets We Keep

"Mom! Mom wake up!" Madi called out, her bright green eyes peering through the scope of her rifle as she looked on with awe and amazement into the sky.

Clarke grumbled groggily, not to happy to be woken from the comfort of her nap inside the rover.

"What is it Madi?" Clarke crocked, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"They're here!" The young girl grinned with joy. "HE'S here."

Clarke's heart fluttered with a happiness that she hadn't felt in a long time, but it was overpowered by the trepidation that she had felt ever since Madi was born. It wasn't easy giving birth all alone, especially when the uncertainty of what lay ahead was always there. In fact, it was the most difficult thing Clarke had ever experienced, all she wanted was her mother to hold her hand and tell her everything would be okay, but all she could do was imagine what her mother would tell her to do, what she would do, and that helped for a time.

And then when Madi was finally lying in her arms, alive, healthy and breathing, and all the terror had subsided, there was joy in its purest form, a joy Clarke had never once experienced in her life. As if some gift from a higher being, there she was, Clarke's salvation, her cure for loneliness. And she cried. They cried together, the two of them, and Clarke held her so tightly against her that she was afraid she might break her, and she vowed that she would never let anything happen to her, that she would protect her with her life, because she had been her true savior that day in the desert, not the bird, but Madi. She knew that now, and so she would now be hers, she would protect her from anyone and anything, even if that someone was Bellamy. She didn't know what had transpired the last 6 years they had been in space, if Bellamy was even the same person she knew.

"Remember what I said Madi." Clarke said sternly at the young brunette in front of her. Madi let out a sigh.

"To call you Clarke, not mom when they come down." She stated plainly.

"And how old are you?" Clarke prodded, raising her eyebrows in anticipation.

"Seven." Madi let out another disapproving sigh, rolling her eyes as she forcefully handed the rifle to her mother.

"Hey." Clarke lectured. "Watch the attitude."

Madi shook her head, anger etched into her features.

"I Just don't understand." She snapped. "All you talk about is how happy you'll be when they come down, when he comes down, and yet, if he really is my father, why should we lie to him, why can't he know who I am?"

Clarke's eyes softened and she warmly caressed her daughters dark locks.

"We've been over this Madi." Clarke stated softly. "We have no idea what's been happening in space. Those people," She pointed to the sky. "May not be the same people that left 6 years ago...He may not be the same." She gulped. "And until I can figure that out, you're just another night blood that I found in the woods okay?"

God, Madi was so much like Bellamy that she hated it. As much as Clarke tried to teach her the meaning of using both her heart and her head, Madi was undeniably all heart...all heart and all Bellamy. He was everything to her, he was her hero, and better yet, he was her father. Clarke had always loved the way her eyes would light up when she would tell her the stories of Bellamy's bravery, of his valor. To be fair, it made her a little jealous really. Clarke had kept the little twerp alive all this time and yet she held someone she had never met before in higher standards. But she supposed that was with any little girl and her father. Clarke knew because she was the same way. Maybe she only hated it so much because of the fear that came along with it, that he wouldn't be the same Bellamy from the stories, that the hero that Madi knew, wasn't the one that would come down off of that ship. Or maybe she was wasn't afraid of that at all, maybe she was afraid he would be the same Bellamy, just without the same feelings.

"You're right." Madi stated, looking up to the sky and shaking Clarke from her train of thought. "I don't think they're the same people at all."

"What?" Clarke wondered, looking at her daughter in confusion.

"That doesn't quite look like the ship you described to me.."

Clarke franticly peered through the rifles scope.

"Madi.." Clarke said shakily. "I need you to run."


	4. Home

Clarke gently tugged on the cold, metal collar that had been placed firmly around her neck. A million emotions were swarming through her.

Bellamy.

Bellamy was here. She had been thinking of him in that moment; Her face down in the dirt and her life hanging in the balance once again, wishing he was there to swoop in and rescue her like he always had, to save Madi. And then, as if willed from the very depths of her mind, he appeared in front of her, surrounded by a halo of light like some angelic knight. At first she didn't think he was real, perhaps he was just another one of her maddened hallucinations, she'd be lying if she said she didn't have them out in the blistering desert heat. She had even wondered if he was just a ghost, a spirit of the future she'd never have. But then he spoke, spoke to her captors, his familiar commanding voice boomed through the trees and it was then that she knew: It was really him.

Now, she lay battered and bruised in a place she used to call her home. A place these strangers just up and took without any regards to their lives at all, with no Bellamy in sight. Clarke let out a defeated sigh. Maybe she was imagining him after all.

As if hearing her doubts a figure burst into the room, barreling straight for her. She froze momentarily as firm hands grasped her arms, whipping her around to face them. Her panic immediately subsided when she saw his face, and every doubt she had been having melted away at the sight of him.

"Clarke." He shuttered, his eyes gleaming with tears. "You're alive." His dark eyes roamed over her as if he couldn't believe SHE was actually there.

"I thought you were dead," He croaked out, tears now streaming down his face. "I thought.."

Bellamy was cut off as Clarke threw herself into his arms. Her body instantly reacted to his familiar touch as he wrapped his arms just as tightly around her. Clarke felt as if her heart was going to burst. All of the pain and loss that had been hiding there was snuffed out instantly by his presence.

"You're here." She spoke into the hilt of his neck. "Its really you." She pulled away for a moment, remembering what was most important.

"Madi." She stated vaguely, unsure of how to proceed. Had he seen her? Did Madi disobey her wishes, too fueled by her heart to remember what she had told her, confessing everything to him? Or worse, had the intruders found her, had they hurt her? Was she-

"She's safe." Bellamy reassured her with a warm smile, seeing the look of pure horror written all over her face.

Clarke let out a sigh of relief. Seeing as Bellamy wasn't particularly curious about the young girl, she figured Madi must have kept her word after all, which made the tension ease a bit for now.

"She's waiting for us with the others." Bellamy continued.

"Others?" Clarke questioned, as a shining realization hit her. " You mean, everyone made it? Raven, Murphy.."

"Echo, Monty and Harper." Bellamy finished. "Yes Clarke, we all made it. You saved us."

Bellamy's eyes were filled with tears once more and Clarke could feel the guilt rippling through him. At least that hadn't changed she thought.

"You did good Bellamy." Clarke smiled reassuringly as she pulled him into another embrace, she just couldn't help herself, she just needed to be close to him.

Bellamy didn't seem to mind as he pulled her closer into his chest. She could feel his heart racing through his shirt and she smiled to herself. Maybe Bellamy hasn't changed after all. She thought. Maybe he does still love me.

Wait. She thought once again, lifting her head to scan the room.

"How did you get in here?" She asked, not seeing any guards in sight.

"We made a deal." He smiled in accomplishment. "She agreed to open the bunker."

Clarke sat by the warmth of the dancing flames, looking on at Octavia with curiosity and a bit of envy, as she broke rations with Miller and the others.

"Amon gon a son". Clarke speaks up, feeling Bellamy's eyes on her. "All of me for all of us. Its kind of beautiful if you think about it."

"Kind of creepy." Bellamy sighs, taking a bit of his food.

Clarke turns to meet Bellamy's gaze and gives him a incredulous smile.

"Come on Bellamy, they lost 400 of their people. Not knowing if you're going to even make it to see your next meal and yet still be so unified." She stopped a moment, stealing another glance at the group. "That's pretty incredible."

"So is surviving alone." Bellamy added softly. "How did you do it Clarke?"

Clarke's body tensed at the question, unsure of how to proceed. Should she tell him about she thought of him every single day, about their daughter? It hurt her to lie to him, yet a part of her knew telling him in this moment would be a terrible idea. Perhaps it was the coward part of her, but still, she felled compelled to listen.

Clarke shook the thoughts from her head, deciding to go for a vague but still truthful statement.

"I wasn't alone." She smiled shyly at him

"I had Madi."

Bellamy nodded his head in understanding.

"How long have you been with her?" He asked, popping the last of his rations in his mouth.

Clarke's body suddenly felt as if she were burning alive.

"I-I found her in the valley about four months after Primfaiya." She stuttered out, finding it suddenly hard to meet his gaze.

"I'm glad you had her." He smiled sadly, averting his gaze to the ground.

"Bellamy." Clarke spoke, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder and trying to ignore the electricity that sparked throughout her body.

"You did the right think."

Bellamy nodded his head with a small sigh, but Clarke could still see the conflict as stares unmoving at his hands. Clarke wanted nothing more in that moment then to comfort him, to throw her arms around him again, but something was stopping her. There was still that part of her that was skeptical, and although he seemed like the same Bellamy, she found it hard to find their rhythm the two shared so strongly almost a decade ago. Perhaps it was her feelings for him that had changed the atmosphere between them or it was simply just the time apart from one another. Clarke wanted to believe very badly it was either of those reasons, but only time would tell..She had to fibe herself more time.

"Im getting tired." She stated. Finally breaking the uncomfortable silence that had formed between them. "You should probably get some sleep too."

Clarke turned to leave only to be stopped by a tug on her hand. She looked back to find Bellamy grasping her hand tightly in his, an unreadable look on his face. If she was being honest, it both scared her and stirred up feelings she hadn't felt in quite some time.

"Bellamy?" She questioned softly.

Bellamy stared into her eyes blankly for a moment, his chest heaving up and down rapidly.

"I-I'm glad you're here." He finally said, his voice strained.

Clarke gave him a reassuring smile, giving his hand a quick squeeze.

"Me too." She returned before turning to leave once again, her hand reluctantly slipping from his.


End file.
